Have you ever needed a confidence boost after a breakup or during a long period of being single? Did you feel like you weren’t worthy of love or maybe like you weren’t good enough for someone to like or date? If you answered yes, you’re completely normal! If no one is vying for your attention, romantically, some negative thoughts may cross your mind about how attractive you are or how great your personality is. Personally, I experienced 23 years of feeling this way on and off because I had been single my entire life. Now I’m 24 and I’ve suddenly found myself in a relationship! WHAT? And guess what? Those feelings of insecurity did not suddenly go away just because I have a significant other. Just because someone is constantly telling me how beautiful I am or how much he loves me and wants to be around me does not mean that I am all of a sudden Ms. Confident. In fact, I’ve had to work harder on my own self-doubts now more than when I was single.
So I’ve been dating this amazing guy for 6 months now, but it hasn’t been easy. We’re learning a lot about each other and I’m learning who I am within a relationship and as a girlfriend: something I’ve never had to do. I’ve never imagined myself as anyone’s romantic partner, so this is a new role I’ve taken on and am trying to adjust to currently. When we first started talking, I didn’t want my soon-to-be boyfriend to think that I was an insecure, desperate-for-love mess so I feigned confidence and he took notice. I remember him saying, “I love how confident you are. All of the other girls I’ve dated were insecure.” It wasn’t long before my true colors started to show and my insecurities slowly began creeping out. Was I pretty enough? Was I smart enough? Was I too smart? Did he like my short hair? Was he okay with me not being “thick”? Was I too loud? Did I talk too much? Not enough? Was I too rude? Too awkward? In the past, men have generally not given me the time of day or if they did, it was short lived. When you're constantly being rejected, a mantra of lies about yourself plays like a broken record throughout your mind. Each interaction with a potential love interest becomes dismal and the prospect of actually finding someone who appreciates your quirks seems slimmer and slimmer. But this time someone claimed to genuinely, wholeheartedly like me!
My boyfriend began noticing that I wasn’t the confident girl I claimed to be and as much as he tried to boost my self-esteem, I was still unsure of his feelings towards me. I kept assuming that he would leave me or realize that I was weird and awkward and move onto someone else. That’s what everyone else did. I assumed he was like everyone else, but he wasn’t and hasn’t been. He understands the origins of my insecurities and works with me to help me love myself in this relationship. He makes an effort to uplift me when I’m having an off day or moment and always reminds me of why he’s with me and wants to make things work between us. Not many people date for the first time in their twenties, and because of that, I thought something must’ve been wrong with me. Of course, I know that there’s nothing wrong with me, but even still, I cannot rely on another person to validate me! I have to remind myself that, although my boyfriend loves me for who I am and thinks I’m great, even if he isn’t around, I still have to love myself and think I’m great. How can I expect someone else to love me if I’m not loving myself?
Ultimately, I do love myself and I have learned that I’m definitely desirable. Perhaps God placed my boyfriend in my life to help me further understand that I am worthy of love and that there are people out there that will love me for ME! If you’re finding yourself experiencing a lack of confidence within a relationship, remember that there is someone who thinks you’re the best thing since sliced bread, but also keep in mind that with or without this person, you are still wonderful and beautiful and great!
So Valentine’s Day is coming up; a day that is equally as dreaded as it is highly anticipated by many. While there are couples that make personal decisions to not celebrate Valentine’s Day (abbreviated to V-day from here on out) because they believe one should demonstrate their love for their partner everyday (and one should!), other couples go all out for the big day: giant stuffed animals, roses, chocolates, expensive dinners and there’s nothing wrong with that! But what about the single people who don’t have a special someone with whom they can celebrate V-day? Should we just throw ourselves a pity party and say “Woe is me; I’m alone on V-day for the 23rd year in a row?” Obviously not! If y'all have been reading my blogs consistently, you already know where I’m going with this. I’ve got a few tips to help beat the Valentine’s Day blues, if for some reason you have them, and how you can still be confident if you’re single on February 14th.
I did a bit of research of the history of V-day and how it has developed into the holiday that we celebrate every year mid-February. If you care to read about it, here you go! http://www.history.com/topics/valentines-day/history-of-valentines-day. While the holiday originally was associated with marriage and romance, the overall theme of love is what has prevailed and you don’t need to be in a romantic relationship to feel love or be loved! Throughout my own schooling, even in college, I always gave valentines to my friends, which just goes to show that obviously you don’t have to be married or dating to enjoy the holiday. This year, I put together V-day goodie bags for a couple of my local friends (and my crush!) because I love them and V-day is about love! Exchange cards or candy grams with your friends! This leads me to my first tip: Remember that Valentine’s Day is about sharing and celebrating the love you have for others, friends or *friends*.
Okay that’s great, Gigi, but everyone is going out on dates and I don’t have any date prospects and I don’t want to be sitting at home watching Netflix and chilling with my cat. Fret not, friend. Use V-day as a day to love yourself! If you don’t have anyone that you’re interested in romantically and all of your friends are occupied, pamper yourself. Take yourself on a date. There’s no shame in going to a movie by yourself or going out to dinner by yourself. Be confident in who you are and in your relationship status. Personally, I plan on getting dolled up and going out somewhere nice and treating myself to something special, unless my crush comes through in the clutch with plans, which is unlikely, but a girl can dream. All jokes aside, if you don’t have plans and want plans, make plans with yourself. You don’t have to spend a lot of money or any money, just do something that reflects self love and self care.
The flip side of making yourself your own valentine is the obvious, which is to make your friends your valentines. If you have other single friends (or friends in relationships who aren’t into the typical V-day traditions), get together with them and do something special. Watch a movie, go out to dinner, go out and be adults, have a night-in where you bake or do nails or watch sports or do whatever you’re into! Spending time with friends is wonderful and building memories with them is even better. I’m sure many of you already have plans with friends, but just in case you’ve been sitting around moping about how you have nothing to do on V-day, call up your friends. They make the best dates!
Valentine’s Day was never meant to be “Bitter Singles Awareness Day”, but it typically has that connotation when people talk about it. Even if you are a bitter single, be a confident bitter single! Spend the day loving your friends, loving your family or, most importantly, loving YOU! If the person that you want to love you doesn’t love you, then you go ahead and love yourself. Happy Valentine’s Day!
Let’s play word association! I’ll say “third wheel”; what just came to mind? If you were thinking “awkward”, then we’re on the same page. Many times, when we reflect on the concept of being a third wheel or recall instances when we have been in such a scenario, we are often met with feelings of discomfort and awkwardness. But it doesn’t have to be that way! Although no one wants to be a third wheel, at some point or another, it’s going to happen and you may want some tips and pointers on how to remain confident in your singleness.
In my 23 years, I have never once had a romantic relationship of any type, but all of my friends have, so I certainly have ample experience being a third and even fifth wheel. There can definitely be an initial discomfort when hanging out with your friend and their significant other aka S.O., especially if it’s the first time you are meeting him or her. Both of you will be vying for your friends affection and attention and it may be difficult for your friend to navigate the situation. There may also be unspoken feelings of jealously on your end and on your friend’s S.O.’s end, which can create tension and an uncomfortable situation. Don’t create a competition between you and your friend’s boo. Your friend loves you both in different ways and obviously has a different relationship with both of you, so try to keep that in mind if they are treating you differently than their S.O. Hopefully, if they’re a good friend, they will try to tend to both of you and make the space you’re in a positive and peaceful one.
Sometimes, especially in the beginning of a relationship, our friends may be so into their new boo that they seem to focus all of their time and attention on that person and unintentionally neglect their relationship with you. This is not usually malicious; it happens to the best of us, even with new platonic friendships. Understand that if he or she is behaving this way, your friend is probably in the “honeymoon phase” and probably has no idea that they are ignoring you or not hanging out with you as much. If this bothers you, and it’s okay if it does, gently remind your friend that you still want to spend time with them. In some cases, this may result in a third wheel situation, where you get to spend time with your friend, but also must spend time with their boy/girlfriend. If they are dating a mutual friend, you’re in luck! But if they are dating someone outside of your friend group, and this is more often the case as you age, you may initially feel awkward about the situation. Support your friend’s relationship and new boo (if appropriate), but don’t feel obligated to force friendship with them. Let it happen organically. My best friend is currently dating a great guy and although he and I aren’t close, which would probably be inappropriate anyway, we are definitely friendly, cordial, and enjoy each other’s company. And we share an amazing best friend, which is a great thing to have in common!
My last piece of advice when dealing with a third wheel situation is keep an open, positive mindset! If you go into the situation thinking, “This is going to be so awkward and weird”, then it probably will be! Instead if you go into it thinking, “There may be a few uncomfortable moments, but we’re going to have a great time” you probably will! Most friends will want to share the important aspects of their life, such as a romantic relationship, with you and will want to share YOU with their partner because you’re awesome. Keep that in mind, and again, don’t be afraid to approach your friend if something is concerning you when you three hang out. If you’re not super comfortable with your friend and their boo being overly touchy and affectionate, let him or her know. I’m sure your friend would be willing to tone it down and accommodate you so that they can spend time with their love and their bestie. Be confident and secure in your friendship and when you get into a relationship, keep this in mind for your friend.
"If only I were in a relationship, then everything would be perfect!”
“I’d be so happy if I had someone to share my life with!”
Sound familiar? If it doesn’t, good for you! But if it does, then you’re not alone! So many of us single folks have this mentality that the source of any of our unhappiness is because we don’t have a partner. We see all of our friends in relationships, getting engaged, getting married and we just have to watch their happiness blossom in front of our eyes. Perhaps you envy your friends who have already found “the one” or at least the person that they think is the one. Or maybe you’re always the third wheel and just wish that you could have someone to double date with! Maybe you’re feeling rejected because your friend is spending the majority of their time with their significant other, creating memories, traveling together, doing things with them that they used to do with you! But if you got into a relationship, everything would just solve itself! You’d get to be happy too, right? Not quite.
While a partner may bring you laughter and fond memories, true happiness comes from within. If you’re not happy while single, you won't be happy in a relationship. It’s been said time and time again, but so many people choose to ignore that saying and base their level of personal happiness off of another individual. It’s understandable, though! You see your friends taking selfies with their S.O. (significant other), going on vacations, celebrating anniversaries and holidays together and they look so happy, don’t they? Sure! They’ve found someone with whom they can share special time and memories. But there’s also a good chance that they possessed an internal joy before getting into this relationship and its only radiating more now that they have a partner.
So the next time you’re lamenting over how things would be “so much better” and you’d be “way happier” in a relationship, stop and think. Am I happy right now while single? Can I find joy and pleasure in everyday life as a single person? If you can’t confidently answer yes to those questions or any variation of them, take some time to do some inner self-reflection. Take some time to pray! Ask God for true, permanent joy. Once you are able to find happiness or joy as a single, individual person, a relationship (when you do get into one) will be the icing on the cake! And cake is delicious!
Alright, I think it’s about time for a confession. I’ve got a crush on someone; in fact, I think at this point, I can safely say that I’m in love with someone. They’re smart, funny, good looking, generous, and fun to be around. If it were possible I’d marry this person, but unfortunately, there are laws against such a thing. The world isn’t the type of place where people can marry themselves yet! That’s right; I’m in love with myself, but it hasn’t always been this way.
When I say I’m in love with myself, I want to make it clear that I do not mean this in a narcissistic or conceited way. I mean that I love the woman that God has created and is continuing to make me to be. I’m in love with the person that I am and the things I have accomplished in my life thus far. I’m in love with my gifts and abilities, and I’m beginning to fall in love with my body and spirit.
It’s no secret to those that know me well, or anyone that has seen any of my social media accounts, that I’ve been single for a while now--like 23 years! This isn’t necessarily by choice, either. I’ve had plenty of legitimate crushes, and it has come to my recent attention that guys have had crushes on me; however, due to my low self-esteem, I’ve been unsuccessful in even starting a relationship of any type. Let me explain further. I used to think of myself as unapproachable, uninteresting, and unattractive because my confidence was deplorable. There’s a saying that basically states that one can’t expect others to love them until he or she learns to love themselves. That statement could not hold any more truth to it. When you don’t like yourself, others won’t always like you.
I’ve been called a “compliment-rejecter”, especially by guys that I have been interested in or that have been briefly interested in me. He might’ve told me that he likes my smile and I would rebut with “Ugh, but I’m missing two teeth and my gap is coming back”. While this statement is technically true, this is not the response he was looking for when he complimented what he believed was a “pretty smile”. A simple “thank you” would have been fine. When you say thank you to a compliment (especially one you may disagree with) you are owning it and accepting its truth. It’s one of the small steps I’ve taken in learning to love myself--saying thank you! It’s also been a step in the process of becoming more confident.
A confident girl does not believe she is better than everyone or anyone else; that is the definition of a conceited and cocky girl. A confident girl believes that she is just as good as everyone and anyone else. She knows who she is, understands her strengths and weaknesses (but doesn’t dwell on the latter), and she accepts compliments with grace and poise. She loves herself and is in love with herself because she knows that those are the keys to allowing someone else to love her.
There is an issue that has been plaguing girls and women since the beginning of time! What is it? HEIGHT! Girls being taller than guys and feeling they can’t wear heels! Well let me tell you something. There is nothing wrong with your height! I stand at a whopping 5’10 AND 3/4! I have always been taller than the boys! I think I was 5 feet tall when I was in first grade. *just kidding* lol.. BUT YOU GET THE POINT RIGHT!? I have always been TALL!
There is nothing wrong with that! By nature, girls grow faster than boys and I can understand the adolescent issue with being taller than the guys.
SO I CAME UP with a little list.
The TOP 4 issues girls have with their height when it comes to guys:
5. The guy HAS to be taller than me.
4. I don’t want to stand out when with my friends.
3. I can’t take a short boy to the dance. I'll get teased.
2. We are going to look so dumb in pictures.
AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON!
1. I CAN’T WEAR HEELS!
WHO SAID YOU CANT??
I’m telling you, YES YOU CAN! It is okay to wear heels. We all have been through the rough patch of dealing with guys who were vertically challenged. Maybe that is just me.I can remember senior year, prom, I had a long dress and I needed to get high heels so my dress would not drag on the ground. I had to be at least 6’1 that day. My date was tall, probably 6 feet tall. When it came time for the pictures I took one shoe off just so I wouldn’t tower over him! EVEN IF IT WAS BY AN INCH! CRAZY HUH!? I have done a lot of growing up since then. If I can be honest with you, I haven’t gotten over it 100%. Pray for me.
To the young ladies…
I understand the complex you may have about being tall and standing out! I understand you have short friends and even if they wear heels it makes NO DIFFERENCE *I’ve been there* BUT, there is light at the end of this tunnel you think you are in. For one, EMBRACE the tallness! Love your long legs and long torso! Don’t be afraid to wear the heels! (I cant stress that enough) You are tall and beautiful! Stand up straight and don't be embarrassed or shy of your height.
*sidebar: You will turn heads in those heels when walking with confidence. For example: I can’t tell you the countless amount of times I’ve been called a nice tall glass of water (it's a compliment, believe it or not) And the boys who tease you about your height are just jealous because you have the height they want!
DON’T TRY AND BLEND IN! Don’t slouch either!
To the women…
Yes it can get uneasy wearing the heels with a shorter man, but that is something you have to overcome on your own. If he doesn’t have an issue then why should you!? Wear the heels with .. :say it with me: CONFIDENCE!
Don’t let your height hinder you! And if its love that you are in search for remember there is somebody for everybody! (Don't believe me? Click Here.)
It’s your confidence that attracts people, not your height! Wear the heels and strut your stuff!
Don’t forget your confidence…